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ACEP Now: Vol 37 – No 09 – September 2018

Dr. O’Shea and Dr. Benzoni at their wedding.

KK: It’s difficult enough for someone to be with one physician, but both of you together as physicians in a relationship has to be very complicated. Did you ever get to the point where you thought it was just going to be too hard?

TB: I’ve always been a bit of a realist about it. I know I’m really hard to get along with, so I just figure, with a lot of forgiveness, it goes the other way, too.

NO: We did have a time that was really difficult. There was a lot of pressure externally when he was part of an independent group about 10 years ago. They got down to staffing a very busy Level 2 emergency department with four guys. That was really hard because he and all the rest of them were working so, so hard. That’s a reason, among others, we moved to Des Moines to be out of that hot pressure-cooker situation where he was taking on so much responsibility and so many shifts.

KK: It sounds like that was a turning point for you, too, that if it continued, it could have put your relationship in jeopardy?

TB: By then, the kids were gone. They were all out of the house, and I didn’t see any reason to keep working that hard either. Maintaining the relationship is so important. I often tell people—they think I’m being snarky about it, and it’s only partly true—39 years of marriage and not having to pay a divorce lawyer really gives us a lot of freedom.

NO: I feel like, as a family physician, I can defend emergency physicians and how difficult their work is because not only do I live with one and see that, but I also have worked in the emergency department. Part of my role as a physician’s spouse is to represent my spouse’s specialty in a positive manner. He has also done the same thing.

KK: Can you offer a couple of thoughts for people who may be earlier in their relationships? If you’re going be with a physician or if you’re going to be in a two-physician relationship, how can you make that work?

TB: For me, it’s really easy. Bring in the same attitude you do to work. You have to learn to live, and you have to learn to give some and deemphasize yourself. If you’re fighting, you’re probably not fighting for anything important anyway.