The rapid deterioration was a blessing, and the time at hospice was brief. The best man at my wedding died at age 54 on April 22.

I’m now just taking stock of all that I have learned from this extraordinary experience.

I learned a number of practical things such as funeral and cremation planning, obituary writing, eulogy writing, picture gathering, and why hospice is such a wonderful place. As I think about it, the important lessons are more profound.

I have cared for tens of thousands of patients, but I didn’t really know how to be fully present with someone who is ill until now. This is a gift from my brother.

I have cared for countless cancer patients, but I had only a superficial appreciation of how alone and frightened they and their families feel until now.

I have coordinated the care of many patients in the ED but now realize how difficult and frustrating this can be from the outside. Every cancer patient needs a strong advocate. Unfortunately and ironically, it is unlikely this will be a doctor until hospice is involved.

It’s easy to roll your eyes and wonder how it can be that a cancer patient who has an oncologist, a family doctor, and a surgeon can still end up in the ED for something that should be handled in the office or the infusion center. Now I sit down and ask the patient and their family how they are doing. Not the casual “How ya doing?” I genuinely ask how they feel and how they are tolerating their treatment. I give them a chance to talk about their concerns and then offer a few words of encouragement. I reveal to them that I understand what they are experiencing without coming right out and saying it. Then I try to fix their problem.

This type of interaction means so much to people whose lives have been turned upside down. They will be filled up by your grace at a time when their illness has drained their spirit. I pray for the courage, patience, and wisdom to be a cup filler.

Be happy.

Dr. Baehren lives in Ottawa Hills, Ohio. He practices emergency medicine and is an assistant professor at the University of Toledo (Ohio) Medical Center. Your feedback is welcome at David.Baehren@utoledo.edu.