It was 4. We had not eaten since 10, but no one was hungry. The realization of, “Now what?” crept in slowly. One at time we all started to realize that we were standing in a public park and didn’t know where to go next. My original plan was to have a nice dinner and get picked up in town. Roads were closed, trains were stopped, and the parking garage where my two closest coworkers parked was now a crime scene.

We made our way to a restaurant. We didn’t know where we were going, but just walked in a direction. Before we knew it we were seated and for a while we just stared at menus, each other, and blankly out the window. The staff was thankfully patient with us, and we eventually ordered. Each of us proceeded to push food around with our forks taking the occasional bite. We knew we should eat, but we just weren’t hungry.

I am grateful for my colleague’s family. She was able to text and call loved ones with accessible cars.

Not long after, I was on my way home, and it was done. I hadn’t even begun to absorb what had happened that day. My legs were sore, my mind was racing, and I was exhausted. I slept that night, not well, but slept. At the time, I didn’t know the hard part was just starting.

At the time of writing this, almost 2 weeks later, I’ve had trouble getting back to normal. Vivid memories, graphic dreams, and symptoms I’d never experienced before in my life. I can recall ambulance sirens startling me. Getting groceries became a challenge, and working clinically was now mystifying. Thankfully, my coworkers came to my side. As soon as it was over, people reached out to me from my department. Sharing experience from people who’ve been to Haiti, or worked through Sandy and Katrina helped.

The marathon is staffed by a diverse group of clinical professionals from all over New England. That afternoon, as per normal, all of the medical volunteers went home from Maine to New York.

All of the sudden people had to go back to their home institutions, which now had to absorb all of their staff with this terrible event fresh in their minds. There are hundreds of lessons to be learned, and it would take years to discuss them all, but some things stick out in my mind at this moment.