If you have a toothache, you are in the wrong place. If your dentist sent you here, give us the phone number so we can yell at him. We are not dentists. We don’t do dental x-rays, pull teeth, or replace fillings. If there is some other concern, we will be happy to address that. Otherwise, Tylenol or Motrin.

If you missed your dose of methadone … you know the drill.

Your nurse will provide you with a call button. Please state your request succinctly and allow time for us to finish CPR before getting you a turkey sandwich. Please keep track of how often you hit the button. On the 5th hit you will receive a non-fibrillating electric shock.

If you arrived with a suitcase, this does not guarantee admission any more than buying a subscription to People magazine guarantees you will win the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

If you are here for a pregnancy test, work note, school excuse, or medication refill, just say so. Don’t make us spend 45 minutes and $500 to legitimize your hangover. Two final words…Dollar Store.

Enjoy your flight and be happy.

Dr. Baehren lives in Ottawa Hills, Ohio. He practices emergency medicine and is an assistant professor at the University of Toledo (Ohio) Medical Center. Your feedback is welcome at David.Baehren@utoledo.edu.